Exploration of my neuro processes.

-My thoughts speed is just a tiny bit faster than my writing and speaking speed. Leads to poor enunciation and sloppy handwriting. Downside of full dialogue thought process.

Maybe speed is the wrong term, and it’s more that the internal dialogue is robust and multifaceted? Maybe my new found term “monotropism” is a better explainer for why I have speaking and writing uniqueness. I’m even now questioning the internal monologue question that I ask Amber and Shelly. Is my internal process more than just internal conversation, and it’s a hyper focused assessment of whatever I am focused on? Explains why I often find it easier to talk to people without making eye contact. Less distraction from listening and responding, but creates miss cues from observing body language.

Courtney makes a good point, and there probably isn’t a normal, so I don’t need to stress about if I’m too different. Just need to focus on honing my interoception and self reflection skills. Keep building on good habits around journaling, mindfulness and physical exercises, and social skill building. People sort of like my strangeness, and if I can perfect the listening more than I speak, I will likely come across less manic.

Now I need to figure out the line between bi-polar vs the autistic spectrum with tendencies of ADHD. Also currently struggling with perception of my level of intellect. I feel smart, but I’m not sure if I actually am, or if I have some sort of masking skill that gives the illusion of wisdom. Imposter syndrome or insanity? Temporary low point in body chemicals? Fear of actually being bi-polar and needing unwanted meds? Symptom of modernity to over diagnose and try and define every minute detail of physical and mental self? How reliable are all the self test questionnaires, and even my answers to them? Am I really more monotropic than 97% of autistic people, and 100% of allistic people? I score similarly high on the autism diagnosis questionnaires. Still need to see about ADHD, and probably should have it all assessed professionally before making any definitive conclusions.

Do I have a subconscious desire to try and answer the questions in a way that I know will score me so uniquely? Same skill I used to apply for retail jobs, but more deliberate. Brains are fascinating at the very least.